Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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