Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
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