Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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