Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
