***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
