Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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