We're facebook friends in real life
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
