And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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