I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
