in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
