Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My ass is underappreciated
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
