ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
