Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
