At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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