We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize