u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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