Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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