just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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