I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
