I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
