so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
