dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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