Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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