apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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