Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
