It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm too high and old for this...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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