No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
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