He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
