So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just found puke in my bra..
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
