my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
