shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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