y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
