I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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