Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I wish i was in the wii world.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
be right there i have to get my cape
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
