My girlfriend figured out who you are.
this boner is exhausting
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize