The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
