I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
