I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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