happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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