If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
