Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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