I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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