Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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