OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
