She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
