i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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