It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
