it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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