if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
