I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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