Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
wat bout pragnant strippers??
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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