I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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