He told me they were just razor bumps!
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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