She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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