Can i not drive my cunt home
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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