I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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