My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
