last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
